troubled mixed confused
emoshitz. be prepared
i talk too little for my own good. i pent up everything inside. i sometimes don't know what i'm feeling.
people ask me how is the uk. i say it's ok. it's not horrible- the people are somewhat friendly, i'm not so strapped for cash i have to start eating grass, the course is very relaxed compared to the seremban students, my medical knowledge isn't completely empty, i haven't had any major mishaps apart from a lost stethoscope, i haven't had any health problems, i've not been completely depressed until i'm sobbing and crying every night.
All in all, i would say that things are ok. in fact, i never actually cried in leeds apart from one occasion (which oddly was nothing do to with having a bad day or homesickness. i was on the phone with my mom who just told me that she and my dad won't mind me spending rm3600 to come home during christmas. maybe it has something to do with being so relieved to be able to go home. or perhaps it's an overwhelming sense of gratitude. i was fully expecting my parents not to allow me to fly back. it's quite understandable since i've only been there for 3 months? and they hv to spend close to 4k, which they don't even spend themselves, just for me to be back for 2-3 weeks.).
some would say that i'm doing pretty alright for my first 3 months alone overseas. my circumstances have been great- i'm in leeds with 5 other imu students, i'm in an accommodation with great housemates who are considerate, friendly and we haven't had any troubles and i got a pretty good score for my last test.
but i guess that i'm just being hard on myself. stupid facebook. facebook actually makes me feel more down sometimes. that's just because i tend to compare my life with others. then i become frustrated and sad that i'm not able to cope as well. not able to blend in yet, not able to communicate. then a vicious cycle begins, i'll perceive myself as a failure-> low self-esteem-> becoming more reclusive -> becoming more depressed with my failure, repeat.
so lucky i have friends and family. talking to them helps me break out from the cycle.
and i have to stop being so hard on myself. stop beating myself up over stupid small mindless things.
and look forward. i hate that i'm going to have to be there in leeds again. but i have to learn to live with it and hopefully grow to love it in 3 years.
cathartic writing rocks