i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die

well. figuratively speaking, my brain wants to just jump off the cliff (again... an imaginary cliff) cause today, tomorrow and the next 8 days, i'll force it to keep awake and stuff information down it's......... neurons (no throat for me to shove anything down).

how i wish i could jump through time to the 6th of june (exam over, pms results received). then on the 17th of june (d-day aka results day) i'll wish i can jump back time. lol

humans... we're never pleased with anything.

freaking stressed. i need retail therapy. AHAHAHAHA

i know... this isn't the goodbye imu post. how i wish it was too.

just the other day i found a ladybug on my hand (dunno how it ended up there). Didn't really know what to do with it so I killed it  went all the way to the back door, open the door and let it free there. Then it struck me how tiny this bug is in this mega-sized world. And here we are, big buffaloes complaining and moaning about how horrible life is because of a bunch of papers.
+ I suddenly got the concept of exams being well... an exam. An exam to test your discipline, your self endurance, your capabilities of handling stress, your time management skills, etc. The pre-exam period is, i guess, part and parcel of the bigger picture. Actually I'm sure everyone knows this. It's just that we lose focus of this as we go along. We're so intensely focused on the day itself, the results-pass/fail?, how will i fare in comparison to the class average, our teachers/parents expectations.


really random ramblings. I think of weird stuff when i'm daydreaming.

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I can't help it but..................... POST-EXAM PLANSSSSSSS

1. Prince of Persia 8D
2. Ash's udang kering sambal. ahahahhahahaha
3. Sandip's Indian food galore?
4. I've been waiting patiently for this................ PULAU REDANGGGGGG (gosh, been trying to get to this place for 2 years edi (made plans, then cancelled, then plan then cancelled. lol) . finally get to go)
5. Make a bag for my camera (diy supreme!!!! it's going to be padded+waterproof. should be fun- i can foresee a lot of hairpulling and frustration since this involves careful measuring to ensure a good fit)
6. Make another skirt? or bag? depending on how much material i have left
7. Finish up my diy stuff i left from last year (a lot. i realize i get really lazy during the end of the year holidays. i usually sew/make stuff during the mid-year holidays)
8. KAMPARRRRRRR. erm.... fishballs?
9. Chilling waterfalls/island getaway? not concluded yet :(
10. Shopping. lol. definitely.
11. Karoake. depending on how much funds i have left after all of the above. hahahahahaha
12. Crazy photoshoot with my new baby!!! shall be fun- dressing up, makeup, hair products and weird poses. :D
13. oh.. and not forgetting, i get to resume all my series: Grey's Anatomy, House, Glee, Flashforward, Project Runway, Mercy, Heroes? bleh..., and a lot i can't even remember. hahahhaa

finally the last lecture has ended.
i'm no longer attending lectures in IMU anymore.

take that stupid 8am classes. muahahhahaa. no more waking up at 6.40am just to rush to uni for 2 hrs of lecture.

tomorrow's my mock clinical exams and the day after is my 3 hrs of torture: an exam covering the nervous system (how i hate this system) and musculoskeletal system (equally as horrible).

then it's 2 weeks of pseudo-holiday. not even a holiday. it'll be like a weird mix between the longest/shortest and most torturous period of my 2.5 years in IMU. i say this is the period where i'll be most susceptible to becoming a schizophrenic.

oh and i'm sick. lol. once again. and i've to study like crazy. not good at all.

but it's actually quite nice being sick if you don't have exams. you sleep the whole day, eat when you're awake and then sleep again. sucks totally when you have to study. and not just study a few notes. study 100 notes. lol

i'm typing this in a state of delirium as one side of my eyes are now closed and i'm dropping off to sleep thanks to the stupid virus/bacteria. so don't mind me if this entry doesn't really make any sense. *woo hoo! i can type with both eyes closed!!)

anyway, wish me all the best. i shouldn't be coming online that often from now onwards. i hope i recover asap and hope you guys will pray that i pass these blardy exams.

my next entry will be : GOODBYE IMU!!! hahahahhahahahahha. can't wait.

ps: pms results will be out next monday? ugh

the end is near, i can smell it in the air.
i can feel it in my bones and every cell in my body knows the end is near.

i can hear them screaming,

"SLEEP YOU STUPID GIRL"

but I have an obligation to my notes.
so sleep just have to come later.
happens every single time an exam comes around. i wonder why i never learn.
and they say humans are fast learners. I guess there are exceptions to that.

on a side note, 2 more days of official lecture days in IMU. that means 2 more days of school in bukit jalil. well, not counting the day of my summative exams, the days where i have to come for clinical skills practise and the day of my finals (oh yeah, and results collection day); I'm nearly done with phase 1.

it's bittersweet.

if i get an aussie/nz university, i know what i'm going to do during the 6 months:

travel, travel travel!

but i need money to travel
so probably working in the first 3 months. then travel during the year end holidays when everyone is back :D

go kota kinabalu! blow rm1500 there. (worth 50 days of work in the clinic @_@. or 15 days of work as a promoter) lol
this is the plan i came up with in 30 minutes:

• airfare: rm300?
• staying there: tune hotels!! i know they have crazy rm1/night deals. but it's a little far from the city centre. lucky they have free daily shuttle between the hotel and the city (rm50? depending on the nights we stay)
• food: makan anywhere la. (rm30/day)
• must see: poring hot springs :D transport is rm40-ish?  tourist trap. lol. go see some monkeys in the park la. (rm50?)

• climb mount KK!!! ok. this is the money-sucker part. the WHOLE mountain has been monopolized by this company. I dunno, perhaps they bought the mountain from the government or something. Anyway, you can't climb the mountain without booking a room from them. yes... climbing mount kk takes 2 days. Last time they allowed people to build camps there and there were other lodge operators. But now they managed to monopolized the whole thing. And since they are the only hotel operators there, price of a room is sky high. rm500/night for a dorm bed+meals. lol. that money i can use to go to perhentian/redang for 3d/2n. and the twisted part is people like me who support these blood suckers. Rooms get sold out really fast so you must make a booking 3 months before your planned arrival date. must climb ma... it's an experience.  so... [rm500+ rm30 (permit) + rm72 (misc fees+hire of guide)]

• SIPADAN! ok. i just found out it is possible to go to sipadan without forking out rm1000+.sipadan is one of the rare islands where live coral can be nearby the island (i saw a pic where the camera was half submerged in the water. you can see the resort and at the bottom of the photo you can see live corals). even redang/perhentian has lots of dead coral near the island. but it's a 7hr bus ride from kk to semporna (the closest city to sipadan) costing rm100 for return trip. i calculated it'll cost about rm510 for accomodation+food+snorkelling.

ok. so it'll definitely cost rm1500 for the whole trip. but considered ok la.
imagine: this trip u get to climb the highest mountain in SE asia, snorkel in one of the best diving spots in the world. and you're flying from KL. not like taking a sampan and rowing across the south china sea. plus we'll still be sight-seeing around kk itself.

this plan is probably not feasible....... yet. lol. don't know if anybody is actually crazy enough to climb mountain then go snorkelling. probably will drown due to exhaustion.

ok la. have to go back to studying the skull :(
i know... i feel like dying each time i see an anatomy picture now

short news:

• light writing is cool. CSU (clinical skills) sessions have become "fun with sook cheng's camera" session
• I have to present something to the class tomorrow. omg. haven't done presentation since SAM. @_@
• 7 more official lecture days left
• have the WHOLE of CNS to go through and we are left with 14 more days to summatives
• the great and fabulous IMU decided to torture us: i have my last lecture on tues, mock clinical exam on wed then my summative test on thurs. WHEEE!
• have half of hematology, the whole GIT & sem 4 (endaocrine, reproductive and renal system) to go through and EOS is in 1 more month. omg. means i have to spend every waking hour studying during my study break. probably try to finish sem 3 during the first 3 days, then 14 days on sem 4. @_@ sure gg.
• PMS results most likely to be released end of next week or beginning of the week after next. (so far the trend has been before the summatives. sooo.... hopefully it'll be so). damn tension.

i have class at 8am. waking up at 6.40am

oh... how i hate morning classes.

besides that, i suddenly feel that i really need to clear my mind and forget about everything else. focus sook cheng!!! FOCUS

too many things are distracting me. too many things are bothering me. too many uncertainties.
i realize now that i rely on things to go on schedule. I like things planned. And it bothers me that the rest of my future is unplanned for. Nothing CAN BE planned even if I wanted to. ugh. And it's eating away inside of me.
dumb imu. hate hate hate.

am i really a medical student?

but i feel so dumb and inadequate.

Ugh. my skill sucks terribly. my brain can still be salvage if i learn not to waste my time so much.
but skills.... if practice makes perfect, i probably have to practice 100 times before I can get things right.

sucky sucky sucky.

i reckon it's to do with self confidence. Which is worse for me since I'm going overseas. They hate people without confidence. It's their personal vendetta to trample those who are too shy to speak or do anything.
isn't there a drug i can take to increase my confidence?

(oh yeah... there is: ALCOHOL.
but i don't think they would appreciate if i walk into the hospital slightly tipsy.)