why do i find friends so hard to keep?

but it's probably a fault in my part for not pouring in any effort.
without effort, how can one expect to be rewarded right?

but i find that i put too much blame on myself anyway. Anything bad happens, i'll always find my own faults first, which can be good and bad at the same time.
a friendship has to have 2 parties to pour in the effort.
tepuk sebelah tangan takkan ada bunyi

no matter, the fault for my situation still lies with me mostly. i know i must change but change is so hard to do. i find it quite exhausting until i just wave the white flag.
and it's ironic that whenever i try, i just end up feeling more upset.
vicious cycle indeed.

so the question is, to try harder? or just not to care anymore?

(anyone notice how many times i contradict myself? just count the number of "but"s. this is my thought process anyway. always contradicting myself)