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blah blah blah
5:50 p.m.
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2011... sigh

here's to great luck, health, experiences and less heart ache and depression in the new year.

and thus, we venture on.
troubled mixed confused
8:18 a.m.
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emoshitz. be prepared

i talk too little for my own good. i pent up everything inside. i sometimes don't know what i'm feeling.
people ask me how is the uk. i say it's ok. it's not horrible- the people are somewhat friendly, i'm not so strapped for cash i have to start eating grass, the course is very relaxed compared to the seremban students, my medical knowledge isn't completely empty, i haven't had any major mishaps apart from a lost stethoscope, i haven't had any health problems, i've not been completely depressed until i'm sobbing and crying every night. 

All in all, i would say that things are ok. in fact, i never actually cried in leeds apart from one occasion (which oddly was nothing do to with having a bad day or homesickness. i was on the phone with my mom who just told me that she and my dad won't mind me spending rm3600 to come home during christmas. maybe it has something to do with being so relieved to be able to go home. or perhaps it's an overwhelming sense of gratitude. i was fully expecting my parents not to allow me to fly back. it's quite understandable since i've only been there for 3 months? and they hv to spend close to 4k, which they don't even spend themselves, just for me to be back for 2-3 weeks.). 

some would say that i'm doing pretty alright for my first 3 months alone overseas. my circumstances have been great- i'm in leeds with 5 other imu students, i'm in an accommodation with great housemates who are considerate, friendly and we haven't had any troubles and i got a pretty good score for my last test. 
but i guess that i'm just being hard on myself. stupid facebook. facebook actually makes me feel more down sometimes. that's just because i tend to compare my life with others. then i become frustrated and sad that i'm not able to cope as well. not able to blend in yet, not able to communicate. then a vicious cycle begins, i'll perceive myself as a failure-> low self-esteem-> becoming more reclusive -> becoming more depressed with my failure, repeat.
so lucky i have friends and family. talking to them helps me break out from the cycle.
and i have to stop being so hard on myself. stop beating myself up over stupid small mindless things.
and look forward. i hate that i'm going to have to be there in leeds again. but i have to learn to live with it and hopefully grow to love it in 3 years. 

cathartic writing rocks
7:08 a.m.
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i gained 4 kg in 3 months. shit

i can't even remember the last time i gained weight and i gained more than 1 kg to represent the months i've been in uk
this is horrifying.
shit this
5:26 p.m.
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shit this. i'm busting out of here.

how i wish i could say that.

slightly blue blue blueeeeeeeeee
i really hate stress. perhaps it's because i haven't had any assignments for quite some time now. The last one we had was the IMS+ community project crap we had to do for sem 5. Both those assignments I didn't do well. Maybe that's where my fear of blunder continues on. I hate writing assignments. especially horrid academic writing shit. 3000 words man.... 1800 words more to do. i freaking hate this

random thoughts i need to get out:

  1. i feel like i've been here for ages. everyone agrees with me so far. it feels as though I've been here for 6 months. while in actual fact, it's only been 3. 3 mere months. No wonder I still don't feel settled. I need a year to properly settle down. I don't know why I feel so guilty about not settling down properly. No one expects me to know everyone by name in my batch, to have made new awesome friends that I'm as close to as those back home, to not feel homesick, to be superbly capable of living independently, to grow accustomed to their culture and their views here and to be a social butterfly. Am I setting my standards too high? Am I feeling bad for no reason? In my head, I always say to myself: "if only..." "if only i was more sociable" "if only i had more guts" "if only i didn't care what other people thought"
  2. UK is dead during winter. KL is 100% more lively at night or even in the morning. Perhaps is the lack of cars on the roads. Perhaps it's the lack of pedestrians, the lack of mamaks with people chatting away, the lack of night markets with people bargaining, the lack of bright city lights. dead
can't think of anymore random thoughts. had many of those thoughts these last few days.

cathartic writing... i feel better already. watched the nutcracker last friday. it was a ballet performance, soemthing i've never seen before. it was awesome. Although i was nvr interested in ballet nor am i more interested now, the performance was really good. Ii have performed on stage before (choral speaking, choir, dance... all unsurprisingly done during primary school before the insecurities kicked in) and till now, I remember how hard we worked. The practices, the butterflies in the stomach, the great sign of relief and joy you get when the curtains come down and everything went as planned. So each time I see a performance on stage, especially a group performance, I'm always in awe of the hard work they hv poured in, the hours they've spent practicing on stage, sacrificing their time with their family, friends or partners. Anyway, the ballet performance for the nutcracker was awesome. their props and costumes were flawless. I wanna watch another theatre performance now. hahahahhahaa

letting go
12:42 a.m.
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At the start,
A rope is there,
Ropes that bind us,
That holds us,
Keeps us together,
We hold on dearly,
Day through day,
Night through night.

Slowly distraction creeps,
Determination wanes,
Grips are loosen,
The rope drops,
We leave the field,
Each one holding,
Different ropes; and thus,
The cycle begins.

hahhaa. ironic how things work out to be.
my mom's words will always resonate within my mind. i accepted those words at that time, but right now, i can't believe how true those words are.....

knock knock
1:43 a.m.
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i'm hearing knocking sounds coming from above me.
at first.. i'm like "who in the world is tapping their chair against the wall at nearly 2am." this is cause i sometimes tap my chair on the floor/wall when i'm bored, studying.

then... i realize....
oh. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm naive.
i freaking hate this
7:50 p.m.
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i lost my stethoscope. my classic ii se littmann stethoscope which retails at rm230. how?

As usual, tuesday mornings are used to clerk patients. I clerk a kind gentleman and was particularly proud that i managed to cover most of the examination without too much hesitation and going back and forth (i find that i go back and forth since we are combining 3 systems (cvs, respi, and git) examination at one go. so while looking at the neck, i check the jvp and carotid but always forget my tracheal deviation and cricosternal distance. for the chest lagi teruk. so many things to do. usually cvs is alright (i'm still not sure if we are required to check for all the regurg, stenosis tho. feels weird to ask the patient to sit up, lean here, breath in/out/hold, when we're already expecting not to find anything since there is no murmur on auscultation) but respi. omg. i still feel my examination technique really sucks. since for respi it's front and back. i usually do it the easy way and do it once either on the front or back. i know i know... not good to skip steps esp for percussion on front and back since all the percussion areas look at diff lobes of the lung)

anyway, back to the story. so i was at the trolley containing all the patient's notes, etc looking at the gentleman's notes and copying down the relevant info. I was very distracted cause I had to keep an eye out for the house officer to sign something for me. The last time i saw my stethoscope was there. on the trolley. I have the image so clearly in my mind.
I think I must have last placed it there cause after that, i went up to the lockers, got all my stuff then had lunch with my groupmates and then headed down to the clinical skills lab. Nvr took out anything from my bag. Even when I come back, I don't usually take anything out from my bag cause I need the same items everyday. Got up late this morning, rushed to the hospital, then lo and behold... can't find my damn stethoscope. I was still quite calm because I thought "oh.. must hv left it in the wards. it should be there cause who would want to take a stethoscope?" clearly i was mistaken. asked around, searched the entire ward, nothing. my groupmates said maybe i left it at home. rushed back, turned my room upside down, nothing.

and it's supposed to be my last week of placements. ARGHHHHHHHHH. I was looking forward to the end of placements so much. SO SO SO MUCH. and this shit hv to happen now.

honestly... i had a lot of trouble believing that my stethoscope was probably taken by someone. I mean.. a stethoscope. it's not a phone, a wallet, a bag. It's something so specific. It's probably like a welder missing his blow torch. like who the hell would want a blow torch? it's only useful if you know how to use one. So i conclude that whoever who took it can be:
1) a doctor who lost his/her own stethoscope recently and it's too damn stingy or still feeling bitter about it and decided to just take the littmann which is lying around. (or maybe he/she just have a lousy stethoscope) [yea. hope karma gets you back for taking from a student who has no income]
2) a person who wants to sell it on ebay (i saw this user on ebay who keeps selling used stethoscope. like come on... how many times does a person replace his/her stethoscope? and i don't think i've ever heard of anyone collecting old stethoscope from ppl to be resold cause stethoscopes are so reliable, they don't really need to be replaced. this person probably sold all the littmanns he/she found lying around on the wards. i probably would see a dark blue littmann being listed on ebay within these few days) [if this was true... i hope you get caught and hv stethoscopes thrown at you for essentially, stealing. doesn't matter if it was lying around. ]
3) a person who is too poor for christmas gifts and has a relative going to medical school. who knows right? christmas is 1 month away only. [stolen gifts are always classy]
4) a very very blur person who took the nearest stethoscope thinking it was his/hers. Then realize it isn't his/hers and proceeded to dump it in a different ward/hospital wing. [thanks man]
5) pesky visitors that thought having a stethoscope for their little kid to play with is awesome. maybe they can nurture their kid into a doctor by giving littmanns to their son/daughter. [damn you. get a friggin toy]

ugh. i'm just really pissed and frustrated with myself. i know i could have been more careful. i know i could have realized it sooner. :(
now i'm just hoping that someone will find my stethoscope in the wards and hopefully it'll be handed back to me tomorrow